My Love Life, OR Lack Thereof

Wellp, here it goes. I've never had a boyfriend or been involved with someone I actually like. Yeah sure I've had 'flings' or random hookups but nothing that ever means anything to me. Whenever I like someone, it seemingly always turns out to be one of my friends that I fall for. So that being said, I never do anything about my feelings, God forbid I ruin a friendship. So, I just let those feelings fade away, and they typically do. However, whenever someone likes me and tells me they do, it's never the person I want to fall for me and I pretty much just write them off without thinking about it. Now, looking back, I just wonder if I could've had something with these few people and I was just letting my fear of opening up to someone get in the way.


I used to think I was so pathetic for never having a boyfriend or being involved with any one serious because all my friends have and I was the only one without someone. Now and then I do think it would be nice to have someone to call my boyfriend and have a person that will always be there for me. But now I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I don't need anyone to make me complete right now in my life. I'm happy, and I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. Being in college, this is my time to find myself and explore the possibilities of life and I don't want a boy holding me back. I don't want to have to change my lifestyle to accommodate someone else while I'm doing my own navigating. 


I love my life. I love my independence. I've never been the kind of person that needs constant social stimulation to be happy. Yeah, I love hanging out with friends and being with people but I also need my alone time. I have my own routine and I don't need anyone cramping my style. I love being free to do as I please, talk to whomever I want, and just live how I want to live. So many times do I see my friends having to do things they wish they didn't have to because of their significant other, or even worse they are held back because of them. Don't get me wrong, I believe you should make sacrifices for the ones you love, but that's if and only if you know it's love. Some people always need to have a significant other to be happy and I pity those people because they will never know how this feeling of confidence and independence feels, and they might miss out on fate if they are always with someone. 


I believe my day will come when I just know that someone is right for me, that all my ideals will be challenged by this one person. I believe in fate. It could be any day that you meet your soul mate, you just have to be open to it. If the feeling is right, go with it.


Of course, I have a dream guy that I've imagined in my head. We all do. Here he is:
Physical appearance:
1. Tall- he must be a significant amount taller than me
2. Preferably with dark hair
3. Pretty eyes
4. Nice teeth/smile
5. Can work the scruffy look
6. Looks good in Eddie Bauer clothes, bc that's all I'll be dressing him in
7. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Be able to work a baseball hat, not a snapback, but an original baseball hat with the rim all bent. 

Now to the important stuff:
1. Family man, comes from a good family and loves mine and wants/loves kids
2. Passion for music- has to have good taste
3. Have a clear sense of what he wants to do with his life, has a future
4. Passionate 
5. Loves me unconditionally
6. Ability to disagree and fight with me if he thinks I'm wrong
7. Loyal and honest
8. SENSE OF HUMOR
9. Ready to give me space or time to soul-search if necessary 
10. Has to love people and be a generally friendly person


I could go on, but those are the qualities that stick out. Of course, I can be flexible and most of the time, your soul mate is not who you think it would be, which I think is the most intriguing part.


Now, currently in my life, I am conflicted. I don't know what it feels like to love someone. I don't know the difference between infatuation and love. I'm never sure what to make of my feelings, and it probably doesn't help that I keep them tucked away so I can never ask anyone else's opinion. Because of this, I always think too much and play off, which might as well be a feeling of love, as some stupid crush or lust after a person. I guess I'm sort of waiting for a sign to show me if what I'm feeling is real, or some sort of reciprocation.


I believe that when you are stuck in this feeling of infatuation, everything the person does is attractive to you, and they seem to be everything that you want.  But once this feeling fades or changes and you look back and think, how could I have ever fallen for this person?


There is one person in my life that I have this uncertain feelings for. I knew of him before, but I just met him this year at college. I always had this idea in my head of who I thought he was, but upon getting to know him, this judgment has completely changed. We were officially introduced through mutual friends and quickly became buds after that. We sort of discovered that we had a ton in common and we just got along and agreed on everything. At the beginning of our friendship, my other friends joked around and thought it was so cute how we always flocked to each other when we would all be hanging out and they were convinced we liked each other. Not gonna lie, I thought he was pretty cool and was into him. I found myself telling my family and other friends about him, sort of bragging that I know him and that we're so close. I was proud to be called his friend. Then our friend group kind of drifted away and a few life events I had strayed my focus away from our friendship. But recently, we reconnected and all of those feelings came back. I literally dream of us being together and for some reason I have this idea in my head that we are going to spend time together this summer and by next school year we'll be dating, seems crazy. 


The truth is, I can't figure out what these feelings are. I don't know if I just have a crush on him or if I love him. Obviously, being me, I'll never tell him how I feel or anyone else for that matter, unless I get the feeling that he feels the same way. 


What I do know is this, he makes me happy. I look forward to whenever I get to see him and when I'm with him all of my problems seem to go away. I get excited when he texts me. I talk about him all the time. I think about him all the time. I picture what it would be like to with him. I dream of the day when I can tell the world that we're together and show him off. He can do no wrong in my eyes. 


The problem is, I don't think he feels the same way about me. There is no way of truly knowing, but I can just tell. He is older than me, but I'm pretty sure we're on the same maturity level, he might see me as too young or just a friend. He is busy doing his thing and having flings after just getting out of a long relationship, and I respect that. I'll be here patiently waiting. 


I feel as if we could be doing nothing and I'd just be happy he's there. I want to go on a road trip with no destination with him, get lost with him. And I can't say I'd want to do that with many people. I can see a whole life for us. And I can feel myself starting to come off as obsessed with him, but I'm not, I'm just confused.


We have a good relationship because we argue and disagree on things, but we don't get mad and hold grudges. We have very similar personalities and the same tendencies. We share things with each other. We tell stories and vent. We share music and recommend things for each other. 


A part of me thinks he can make me the best possible version of myself, and more importantly, I can be myself when I'm with him. And I think I could help him become who he wants to be, too. He is kind of like a best friend, but I want to see if there could be more to it. But I don't want to jeopardize this functioning relationship we already have because it is so important to me. 


So, I'll just do what I normally do, see what happens. If fate gets in the way and pushes us together in some way, then I will know that we're supposed to be together. Meanwhile, I'll keep loving life and my independence while I can.