My Love Life, OR Lack Thereof

Wellp, here it goes. I've never had a boyfriend or been involved with someone I actually like. Yeah sure I've had 'flings' or random hookups but nothing that ever means anything to me. Whenever I like someone, it seemingly always turns out to be one of my friends that I fall for. So that being said, I never do anything about my feelings, God forbid I ruin a friendship. So, I just let those feelings fade away, and they typically do. However, whenever someone likes me and tells me they do, it's never the person I want to fall for me and I pretty much just write them off without thinking about it. Now, looking back, I just wonder if I could've had something with these few people and I was just letting my fear of opening up to someone get in the way.


I used to think I was so pathetic for never having a boyfriend or being involved with any one serious because all my friends have and I was the only one without someone. Now and then I do think it would be nice to have someone to call my boyfriend and have a person that will always be there for me. But now I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I don't need anyone to make me complete right now in my life. I'm happy, and I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. Being in college, this is my time to find myself and explore the possibilities of life and I don't want a boy holding me back. I don't want to have to change my lifestyle to accommodate someone else while I'm doing my own navigating. 


I love my life. I love my independence. I've never been the kind of person that needs constant social stimulation to be happy. Yeah, I love hanging out with friends and being with people but I also need my alone time. I have my own routine and I don't need anyone cramping my style. I love being free to do as I please, talk to whomever I want, and just live how I want to live. So many times do I see my friends having to do things they wish they didn't have to because of their significant other, or even worse they are held back because of them. Don't get me wrong, I believe you should make sacrifices for the ones you love, but that's if and only if you know it's love. Some people always need to have a significant other to be happy and I pity those people because they will never know how this feeling of confidence and independence feels, and they might miss out on fate if they are always with someone. 


I believe my day will come when I just know that someone is right for me, that all my ideals will be challenged by this one person. I believe in fate. It could be any day that you meet your soul mate, you just have to be open to it. If the feeling is right, go with it.


Of course, I have a dream guy that I've imagined in my head. We all do. Here he is:
Physical appearance:
1. Tall- he must be a significant amount taller than me
2. Preferably with dark hair
3. Pretty eyes
4. Nice teeth/smile
5. Can work the scruffy look
6. Looks good in Eddie Bauer clothes, bc that's all I'll be dressing him in
7. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Be able to work a baseball hat, not a snapback, but an original baseball hat with the rim all bent. 

Now to the important stuff:
1. Family man, comes from a good family and loves mine and wants/loves kids
2. Passion for music- has to have good taste
3. Have a clear sense of what he wants to do with his life, has a future
4. Passionate 
5. Loves me unconditionally
6. Ability to disagree and fight with me if he thinks I'm wrong
7. Loyal and honest
8. SENSE OF HUMOR
9. Ready to give me space or time to soul-search if necessary 
10. Has to love people and be a generally friendly person


I could go on, but those are the qualities that stick out. Of course, I can be flexible and most of the time, your soul mate is not who you think it would be, which I think is the most intriguing part.


Now, currently in my life, I am conflicted. I don't know what it feels like to love someone. I don't know the difference between infatuation and love. I'm never sure what to make of my feelings, and it probably doesn't help that I keep them tucked away so I can never ask anyone else's opinion. Because of this, I always think too much and play off, which might as well be a feeling of love, as some stupid crush or lust after a person. I guess I'm sort of waiting for a sign to show me if what I'm feeling is real, or some sort of reciprocation.


I believe that when you are stuck in this feeling of infatuation, everything the person does is attractive to you, and they seem to be everything that you want.  But once this feeling fades or changes and you look back and think, how could I have ever fallen for this person?


There is one person in my life that I have this uncertain feelings for. I knew of him before, but I just met him this year at college. I always had this idea in my head of who I thought he was, but upon getting to know him, this judgment has completely changed. We were officially introduced through mutual friends and quickly became buds after that. We sort of discovered that we had a ton in common and we just got along and agreed on everything. At the beginning of our friendship, my other friends joked around and thought it was so cute how we always flocked to each other when we would all be hanging out and they were convinced we liked each other. Not gonna lie, I thought he was pretty cool and was into him. I found myself telling my family and other friends about him, sort of bragging that I know him and that we're so close. I was proud to be called his friend. Then our friend group kind of drifted away and a few life events I had strayed my focus away from our friendship. But recently, we reconnected and all of those feelings came back. I literally dream of us being together and for some reason I have this idea in my head that we are going to spend time together this summer and by next school year we'll be dating, seems crazy. 


The truth is, I can't figure out what these feelings are. I don't know if I just have a crush on him or if I love him. Obviously, being me, I'll never tell him how I feel or anyone else for that matter, unless I get the feeling that he feels the same way. 


What I do know is this, he makes me happy. I look forward to whenever I get to see him and when I'm with him all of my problems seem to go away. I get excited when he texts me. I talk about him all the time. I think about him all the time. I picture what it would be like to with him. I dream of the day when I can tell the world that we're together and show him off. He can do no wrong in my eyes. 


The problem is, I don't think he feels the same way about me. There is no way of truly knowing, but I can just tell. He is older than me, but I'm pretty sure we're on the same maturity level, he might see me as too young or just a friend. He is busy doing his thing and having flings after just getting out of a long relationship, and I respect that. I'll be here patiently waiting. 


I feel as if we could be doing nothing and I'd just be happy he's there. I want to go on a road trip with no destination with him, get lost with him. And I can't say I'd want to do that with many people. I can see a whole life for us. And I can feel myself starting to come off as obsessed with him, but I'm not, I'm just confused.


We have a good relationship because we argue and disagree on things, but we don't get mad and hold grudges. We have very similar personalities and the same tendencies. We share things with each other. We tell stories and vent. We share music and recommend things for each other. 


A part of me thinks he can make me the best possible version of myself, and more importantly, I can be myself when I'm with him. And I think I could help him become who he wants to be, too. He is kind of like a best friend, but I want to see if there could be more to it. But I don't want to jeopardize this functioning relationship we already have because it is so important to me. 


So, I'll just do what I normally do, see what happens. If fate gets in the way and pushes us together in some way, then I will know that we're supposed to be together. Meanwhile, I'll keep loving life and my independence while I can.

Everybody's Got that Person...

Everybody has that person that they look up to no matter what. For me, that person is my big sister. Always has been, always will be. Naturally, little sisters look up to and try to copy their big sisters as kids, and I definitely did, but for me it's something more than that.


For as long as I can remember, I was always trying to emulate my sisters actions. Everything she did in her life, I wanted to do too. And that has carried with me wherever I go. No matter what she does, I admire it. 


It is a gift to have such a great influence in my life that is older and has been through the same things i'm going through. She is always there to advise me and recommend things for me and I am incredibly thankful for that. 


There is more than just a a mentor relationship I have with my sister. I look up to her and constantly compare my life to what hers was like at the time. I go to the same college she goes to and she always tells me what she did her freshman year and a subconscious part of me makes sure I am doing the same thing she did. I try to think in the perspective of, what would Liz do? Yeah, this seems like it's unhealthy because I'm not being myself, but I don't know how to stop it. It happens without me even knowing. The more time I spend with her, the more I compare my life to hers. And I know that's wrong because everyone has a different path. There are clear differences between us that I know of, but there are so many more ways in which we are similar. And I take pride in that. I have always wanted to be just like her and do what she does, but we have different personalities and I have to learn to accept that.


To me, my sister is the coolest person I know. She is everything I want to be. She oozes confidence and just doesn't care about what anyone else thinks of her. She does what she wants, when she wants. And that's all there is to it. She is a born-people person, who can strike up a conversation with anyone. She loves people, she loves learning about different cultures, and she always has other people's best interest in mind, no matter what. And, in turn, people love her. I swear that whenever I meet someone that knows my sister, their response is, "Oh, I LOVE LIZ!" And they mean it, she is fucking awesome. She's hilarious, fun to be around, easy to talk to, and just all around someone you want to know. She has a huge heart and is a wonderful friend to everyone.  The relationships she has with people are so deep, she truly cares about her friends and makes an effort to stay in touch with those she loves. I admire that. Sometimes I wish I could be her friend rather than her sister. 


We have the same taste in a lot of things because we were raised together. We have the same sense of humor, and taste in movies/TV/music. Some of this is probably because she introduces me to things she likes and of course I like it to. Music, mainly. 


Her group of friends that she has right now is the closest group of people I've ever observed. They are better than the groups of friends you see on TV, because they're real. This group of friends have known each other since their freshman year at college and some of them from high school and they have remained literally a family ever since. It's so refreshing to see that this group of friends is possible in real life. I long for a family like that so badly. I have yet to find people here at school that I have that kind of connection with and sense of belonging. They all live together and go everywhere together they go to concerts like its their job and have everything in common, yet they all do their own thing and have their separate lives at times. It is the most beautiful thing. And I can only hope that one day I will find people that complete me as they do to her. 


I can also feel her pain with the lingering event that they will all be separated soon. Some of them have graduated, and most of them about to and they all will soon have to go their separate ways, something they don't know how to do since they've been together for 4 years. I can see the heartache of moving on and leaving that my sister holds and I feel for her. 


It's scary to think that soon, she'll be done with school and really starting her life on her own. She'll be a true grown-up with a career. It's crazy to think that she'll be that old, with a whole separate life of her own, away from me and my parents. I don't know if I'm ready for that. 


All I know, is that no matter what happens, I will always look up to my sister and admire her every move. She is my mentor, whether she knows it or not. She'll always see me as her little sister and I've come to terms with that. Even though, I try to do my own thing and not follow exactly in her footsteps, there is always a part of me that does what I think she would do. It's hard to escape from that, after it being all I've known my whole life. But as I try to learn who I am and find myself, I think part of that process is straying away from making decisions based on whether or not I think my sister would do the same thing. I think I'm getting better at it too. Even though I still compare my life to hers on a daily basis. 


I love my sister more than anything in this world, and she is the one person in my life whom I believe can do no wrong. She is perfect to me and she is everything I strive to be. If only she knew. 

Embrace the Inevitable

What is it about change that scares us so much? It happens everyday, yet we are always in constant fear of what it will bring. I think one of the most important abilities one can posses is that of being able to accept change and even long for it. 

Until recently, I have always been resilient to change. Whether it was a change in class schedule, for I always felt as if I was just settling in and then it was time to change again, or a change in friends, which i have had plenty experience in, or a change in scenery, which I just recently have experienced. 

Growing up, I went through a lot of friends. Each time I would "break-up" with certain friends, I always felt sad and angry to have to do it. Sometimes, I knew I should begin to drift for my own good, even if it made me sad, and other times it was my parents idea to get away from certain people and it's obvious I was resentful of that. But now, I look back and I am thankful for these experiences I've had, to learn about not only myself and what I look for in a friend, but the ways of others. 

I have definitely been the victim of manipulation and have been taken advantage of as a friend. These people that didn't respect me or appreciate me, quickly learned that I was a good thing in their life. I don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but it's true. The friends that I had to break it off with in a fight or slowly drifting away have told me that they miss me and are sorry for how they treated me. I accept their apologizes, but I know now that that change was the best thing for me. It opened me up to other people that I would rather spend my time with. 

After being free of these people, I found my best friend of today. She has been my friend through all of the falling outs of our different friend groups that we've shared and I think that says something. I see other people and their friends and I pity them because they don't know what it feels like to have a best friend that acts as your other half. Honestly, I don't know where I would be without that stable relationship that I have in my best friend and I have reason to believe that that friendship isn't going anywhere.

Anyway, back to the whole change thing. Nothing is as it has been. There are never two times in your life when things are exactly the same, there will always be something different. Change is inescapable. 

Too often do we look back and long for the past. I find myself doing this all the time, wishing things could just go back to the way they were. Because things seemed better then. But I know it's impossible and I might as well just accept the present. 

Moving to another city and attending college, away from everything I've ever know, is quite the change. I made new friends, develop friends with people i've known from my past, and lost friends. It happens. And in this case, it's a good thing. I have learned that I shouldn't be wasting my time with people whom have qualities I don't admire. There comes a time to just  let it go.  Let the past go.

Even though I've only been at college for almost a year now, I have already experienced a change in friends. At the beginning of the year, we formed a definite group of friends that we did everything with. "The Gang". We always invited each other to whatever we were doing and constantly came up with new things to do because we loved being with each other that much. But then, we started to get busy with school, sports, or new friends and began to drift apart. I had problems with my roommate, who was in the gang, and that added to the distance. Now it's me seeing only a few of the original members on a weekly basis. It's sad. Looking back, I remember how happy we all were and how fun mundane activities became when we were with each other. 

But I look back again, and I am just generally thankful that these times happened. I had the best first semester of college I could ask for, thanks to these people. In the process of drifting, I learned a lot about myself and it's nice to still remain in contact with each other, at least I try. 

So I beg the question again, what is it about change that is so scary? We know it's bound to happen, so why do we hide from it? In most cases, change is a great thing. It's nice to have a new routine or new friends as long as you stay grateful for what got you to the place you're in. I'm starting to be open to change and when someone asks me to do something, I'll do it, because it has the potential to change my life. 

I like to remember that there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind. 

Optimism towards the future is such a powerful quality to have because it brings one peace instead of fear. When I think about the future, I have so much hope it's often sickening. But I'd rather be hopeful everyday than scared. 

Change is inevitable, and is often for the best, so why not embrace it? 

My First Rodeo

I am not a technologically gifted person. It took me a month to figure out how to use Twitter. Sometimes I think of myself as a contradiction to the society I live in. I'm young, I'm supposed to know how to use all this internet bullshit. I still don't know what the fuck a Tumblr is. I don't own a smartphone and, frankly, I never want to. It's too much for me to have in my hand, I feel it will take away from observing the real world around me.

I decided to log on to this blog page because I am at a point in my life where I just want one place to get all my thoughts down. I would use a notebook, but my handwriting is not legible. I figured that if I could figure out how to start a blog in under 10 minutes, I would do it. Otherwise, I would just give up and just say fuck it. This was surprisingly easy, I think it literally took 2 minutes. Cool beans. 

I created this only for me. I want to be able to express myself because it provides such a relief and reduces so much stress. I would recommend it. Writing is a powerful tool and used in the right way, it can be quite therapeutic. 

Lately, I've been conflicted because I don't have a clue of what I want to do in my life. I have goals and dreams, sure, but being in the audience of the Olympic Games before I die doesn't really count as a major. I'm surrounded by people who are sure of what they were destined to do, and I find my supposed career choice, or what I think of it, changing on a daily basis. 

As I sit here in my dorm room, listening to Paul Simon, Friends on in the background, procrastinating for studying for my History test tomorrow, I feel my mind taking me to this frustrated place of uncertainty. I found myself wishing that one day it will magically come to me in a sign of what i'm supposed to be doing with my life and I will be guaranteed a job that I will love. Then, I really thought about that. No. I don't want that. The whole point of our life's journey is finally discovering who you are and where you want to be. When you've achieved this, everything else just seems to fall into place, or so I hear. The journey to finding your destiny is, in fact, where the majority of life lies. 

I hear these words of advice and, yes, I do believe them to be true. But. that's hard to follow when you have the pressure of the university, parents, peers, and the world breathing down your neck, waiting for you to start your next move. Society today forces too much pressure upon finding what you want to do as soon as you get to college. I'm only 18, I've barely been through any life-changing events. How the hell am I supposed to walk into college and know what I want to be doing 10 years from now? I don't think anyone really knows what they want to do, they just know what they think they should maybe be doing in 10 years.

I believe everyone has a separate path, their own journey that no one else knows about. Fate plays a major part in this and whatever will be, will be. There is no right way to getting to a destination. You learn the most on the way. 

So here I am, just chugging along, waiting for something to click or an event to show me where I should be. And as stupid as it sounds, I think this blog will help me find myself. There is no judgement, so I can literally say whatever the hell I want. I love that freedom. I hope that writing my feelings and dreams down will lead me to my future. So yeah, we'll see how it goes. And I gotta bear in mind that, yeah, this is my first rodeo.